An Unlikely End to the Wizarding World
by Zane Lupin
Summary: This is a bit of rubbish. But it's short and it may make you laugh, so check it out. If you need a little more, this story contains much death and the main players end up being the unlikely duo of Hermione Granger and Pansy Parkinson.


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Title: An Unlikely End to the Wizarding World

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Authors: Zane Lupin and her good friend Altaica

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Summary: This is complete rubbish. But it's short, and funny, so you should check it out. At the very least it'll kill a few minutes if you've got them to spare.

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Disclaimer: All things Harry Potter belong to the always amazing JK Rowling, as well as Bloomsbury, Scholastic, Warner Bros., etc… There are a few other items we reference in there as well, such as _The Simpsons, Spaceballs, Titanic_, and Monty Python. Anything that you may recognize does not belong to the authors of this fic. The completely ridiculous plot does belong to the wacky authors.

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Warning: This story contains spoilers for _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_, so don't read this if you haven't read that.

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Authors' Note: This came out of an Instant Messenger conversation between Zane Lupin and Altaica one night when we were bored. We took turns writing the story, hence the odd, disjointed structure. We hope you enjoy. Let us know! Reviews are fun, even nasty ones. So if you think this should be obliterated from the face of the earth, feel free to tell us so.

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The Story you are about to hear is true. 

And by true I mean false.

It's all lies.

But they're entertaining lies,

And in the end, isn't that the real truth?

The answer is no.

--The Simpsons

An Unlikely End to the Wizarding World

So it began…

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I think the Weasley's just need to adopt harry on a completely random note. Screw that whole safety because his aunt has the family blood thing.

Yes they can adopt Harry. At the celebration welcoming Harry to the family, Lord Thingy, Bella, & co. descend upon the joyous crowd. Just moments before they arrive, Harry falls to the floor, searing pain shooting through his forehead as he never did learn Occlumency properly. He sees...Death. Red Headed Death. The Death Eaters laugh maniacally as they systematically take out each Weasley. The clan puts up a good fight, but in the end, "Evil will always triumph because good is dumb." 

Harry meanwhile tries to get to his feet to face the Dark Lord who is marching triumphantly toward Harry. 

Then all of a sudden Neville arrives from parts unknown, distracts Voldy long enough for Harry to get his wits about him. Harry kills Voldemort by giving him a big hug and telling him he loves him. Voldemort can't handle this and melts into a puddle of slime. 

Harry and Neville take a moment to survey the bloody mess at the Burrow. "Well," said Harry, "I'm not cleaning up this mess." and whacks himself on the head a la Marge in the _Simpsons_ version of _Hamlet_. Neville smiles to himself and lets out a whoop. "I'm the king of the world!" he shouts, punching his fist in the air. 

Then they hit an iceberg and Neville dies tragically in the cold ocean. 

Because that bitch Luna won't share her piece of debris with him. 

Because her stupid roaring lion head is taking up too much space. 

If only the ship-elves had not found it for her right before the boat went down. 

It was Dobby's fault. He loved Harry and Harry is a Gryffindor and therefore he didn't want any harm to come to the lion head because it was honoring the Gryffindor Quidditch team of which Harry had been a member. 

Remarkably, Dobby was able to save his own skin and make it to shore relatively unscathed. All those years of serving Slytherin Malfoys paid off. He made his way through the streets until a passing glance stopped him dead. Someone wanted revenge for Neville's death. But how did they know he'd caused it when he didn't even know himself? 

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Mysterious… 

Yes...any ideas on who? 

Drawing a blank.

Me too...thought you'd know.

Oh, okay, sorry. Umm. Give me a sec. 

Okie 

Pansy Parkinson stood there staring at Dobby with loathing. All those years of mocking the Gryffindors in hopes of hiding the truth. That she was secretly in love with Neville Longbottom. But now he was dead and it was Dobby's fault. She knew this because she saw Dobby rescue the head. But to keep from dying with the others, she changed into a bird (being an unregistered animagus) and flew to safety, unable to save her beloved as well. But now, with Dobby right in her sights, she'd carry out her plan. 

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There. How's that? 

Ha ha. Fantabulous! 

Thank you. Your turn. 

Dobby peered at Pansy. He recognized her as the simpering dog faced girl that had followed the younger Malfoy around for years. She seethed at him. Dobby didn't know what to make of her. She couldn't possibly hate him that much for helping the Great Harry Potter back during the Chamber of Secrets fiasco, could she? Dobby decided he didn't want to find out. With a loud crack, he was gone from the street, leaving Pansy to stew in her hatred for the time being. But she'd find him, that loathsome, murderous house elf. 

Knowing that Dobby had been the house elf of the Malfoys and that Lucius Malfoy was one of the head Death Eaters, she decided to seek his counsel and attempt to convince him and the Dark Lord to let her join their numbers. She argued that although she was young, it could be to their advantage to have one of their own inside Hogwarts. She would help them with whatever they asked as long as Lucius helped her to track down the despicable Dobby.

The puddle of goo below Lucius' feet was unable to respond to their proposal. Harry 's happy hug had finally ended Voldemort's reign. But in his place comes the terrifying Lord Malfoy, who as of yet, had no prophecies foretelling his death at the hands of some powerful magical child. Lord Malfoy thought Pansy's spying on Hogwarts and Dobby could be to his advantage. He would allow her to join the Death Eaters on the condition that she also watch his son, Draco. He'd been eyeing that mudblood Granger. Lucius would kill him before he allowed his son to fall for that girl. 

But alas, who can resist the feminine wiles of a frizzy-haired know it all? Draco Malfoy was hopelessly smitten. His first suspicion that he had feelings for the horrid mudblood had come as a bit of a shock. But after a while he could no longer deny that his insults were not spewing forth to insult the girl but merely because he wanted her attention and didn't know how else to get it. As his feelings grew stronger, however, he realized that he had a competitor for her heart--the world famous Quidditch champion, Viktor Krum. 

Hermione had to admit, she used to like all the attention she got, even if it was from that ferret Malfoy and the Quidditch guy who couldn't say her name. But ever since her beloved Ron was slaughtered by Death Eaters, she found Malfoy's constant overtures and Krum's sappy love letters to be quite distasteful. Didn't they know she'd just lost the love of her life? Apparently not, as she spied Draco staring dreamily in her direction. Pathetic. Hermione sighed. She wished she had her friends Ginny and Harry with her to talk about missing Ron, but they were dead, too. 

Suddenly Hermione realized she had no friends left. She was filled with despair. No Harry, no Ron, no Ginny--she had nothing left to live for. Even her S.P.E.W. campaign didn't seem so important anymore, not now that ungrateful Dobby--the only friend she had left still alive (because Hagrid was killed by his mutant half brother thing so she doesn't have him anymore either)-- had abandoned her as well. Damn that stupid Dobby. Where was he in her time of need? Nowhere to be found. Ungrateful, wretched house elf. Perhaps she'd been wrong about the elves all this time. Cruel, fickle Dobby. He needed to be punished. But how? Where was he? How could she find him? Was there perhaps someone around who shared her loathing of the house-elf who would be willing to help her in her pursuit? 

It just so happens there was. Pansy Parkinson, trapped in her own web of despair and Dobby-hatred, arrived at Hogwarts at that very moment, the new dark mark on her arm throbbing. She entered the castle, keeping her eyes open for any signs of that horrible house elf or that pathetic mudblood lover Malfoy. She spent the night catching glimpses of the two of them, trying to determine exactly what each was up to. She rolled her eyes as Draco stared at Hermione all through dinner. What was wrong with him? 

Later that night, Pansy cried herself to sleep with thoughts of her brave, dead Neville. She briefly pondered killing Luna Lovegood in addition to Dobby, but decided she'd have to wait, that stupid psycho. The next morning, Pansy found herself in a much smaller Potions class. Ron, Harry, Neville, Crabbe, and Goyle were all dead. Snape, being the evil sadist he is decided to torment his students by pairing the Gryffindors with the Slytherins, who hated one another more than ever. And wouldn't you know? Pansy got stuck with Granger. 

And as if this wasn't enough of a coincidence, the potion they would be working on today was meant to only affect house elves, turning them into easily controllable zombies (the _avada kedavra_ curse not working on them because of some reason that I can't decide on at the moment). And as if this too was not coincidence enough, both Pansy and Hermione let out an absent-minded mutter under their breaths at the exact same moment. "Wretched Dobby." They looked at one another, stunned. "You know Dobby?" They asked each other simultaneously. "You hate Dobby?" They asked each other again in sync. 

"Well as much as I hate to team up with an ugly moose of a girl, perhaps we could work together to defeat horrible Dobby," suggested Hermione. 

"And as much as I hate frizzy-haired mudbloods, perhaps you are right." Hermione being the perfectionist that she is ensured that they had not only made their potion perfectly, but they were the first ones done as well.

She also pointed out to Altaica that they could not use the killing curse on Dobby because House-elf fathers always try to kill their children when they are born and their mothers always sacrifice themselves for their children, thus giving the children protection against _avada kedavra_, though not against mind controlling potions. Hermione realized this is not a perfect explanation, but she was busy daydreaming of Dobby's demise at her hands. Meanwhile Pansy also was dreaming the same thing, with one notable difference. She was the one that ultimately caused Dobby's death. 

Pansy and Hermione smiled sweetly at one another as they left Potions, blissfully ignoring Snape's protests that class was not over for another hour. They rushed down the corridor. Pansy asked, "Where are we going?" 

"To the Kitchen! We'll find Dobby there." Pansy wondered how Hermione knew where the kitchens were and how she knew to tickle the pear in the painting, but pushed things out of her mind as the entrance to the kitchens lay before her. This was it. They were going to end Dobby once and for all, avenging the death of everyone they knew.

Just then, several mysterious men dressed in red came bounding into the room. "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition! Surprise. That is our main weapon. Fear and surprise. Our two main weapons are fear and surprise and…" Meanwhile, across the ocean on the continent of North America, Altaica realized that it was 3:30 in the morning and she and Zane Lupin had been tirelessly composing a story about the fate of Harry Potter, his cohorts and their plots for two hours, so she devised a plot of her own. 

She called a secret meeting of her penguin minions. Back in England, before any of them knew what had hit them, Hermione, Pansy, Dobby, and the mysterious men in red were being overrun by hundreds upon hundreds of penguins. Within minutes, the entire school was taken over and Altaica was appointed headmistress of Hogwarts. Then she and her penguins all lived happily ever after. The end.

So…What did you think? Are we stupid or what?


End file.
